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this is my way of letting go

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December 6th, 2009

02:39 am

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November 30th, 2009

02:19 pm
I have officially graduated to crazy ex.
In my head at least.

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November 29th, 2009

04:36 pm
I just want to say "Fuck you." And throw a fit.
Throw things. Throw my phone. Throw my pictures.
Break things.

But that's not how grown ups deal with things right?
However, if I have one more person tell me how "strong" I am.

I will fucking snap.

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03:18 am
I really just don't understand. I mean, i say i do. I try to. But I don't.
I don't understand how you can just not love someone anymore. Did you ever love me in the first place?
I mean, I think so. I know so. Right?
When you're with someone, you know their every action and intention. But once that connection is severed you no longer have any claim to their thoughts. You are two completely different beings again.
No more "we think" or "we were going to."
It's just me. And I.
It's the separation. It does not, repeat, does NOT make the heart grow fonder.
We're all familiar to proximity theory. Why did I even delude myself?
I guess I'm tasting my own medicine and it is awful. Original flavor Nyquil awful.
Now I know. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to both of you and anyone else who was involved or affected by my own crazy back in the day. I'd like to think I'm different. That I've grown up.
But, that's only because this time I'm on the receiving end.
There's really no need to be bitter. New pages, new life.
But here's the catch. I was perfectly content with my old life. And is it so wrong to simply be content?
Does it have to be more? Does it have to be passion?
I keep thinking of a sexandthecity quote. Gist being, you can have all the beautiful women in the world but eventually they just get tiring. Because really, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh.
Didn't I make you laugh? You can say "it's not you, it's me." But in reality there is no other way to interpret a break up than internalizing every little thing you already hate about yourself and making it the problem.
One of the reasons we love the people we do is because they take all those things, all those self centered and neurotic things, and washes them in acceptance and love.
No longer do I have to think those ridiculous thoughts because you make them okay.
However, those things apparently became too much to handle because now they're back with a vengeance.
I'm just bummed I guess. Like I keep telling everyone, "there was nothing I could do about it so why be mad about something I can't change?"
But do you fight? Do you call and say defiantly "No. I want this and want to make it work."
At what point does the restraining order kick in, to be facetious. I hope.
Or do you actually give time? What good is the time if it's vacuous empty conversation? Or no conversation.
How does that facilitate growth?
i don't know. Like I said, it's nothing that I didn't dish out and now get to eat. Served cold.
Fiddlesticks Jolene.
Please don't steal my man.

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August 21st, 2009

09:44 am
I am living in the body of a young woman, reading like a 13 year old girl.

That's alright. It stops me from thinking.
Just like it should.

Which would I rather be? A shallow pool? Or a clear, glass lake. Transparent to the bottom.

Either way, my mind is making me into Therese Cullen.


Please friends, if there is any heart in you, save me from myself.

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January 29th, 2009

12:09 am
There is no more love there.

You win.

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January 19th, 2009

04:59 pm
I just watched the best episode of M*A*S*H ever.

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December 22nd, 2008

03:19 am
I need responsibility in my life.

Without it, I get sucked into watching tv on dvd until 3:19 in the morning.

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December 16th, 2008

02:22 am
Sometimes I wonder if you remember thumb wrestling.

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October 13th, 2008

12:54 am
I am so delusional.

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